One Shot's all You Got
by L.C.Candle
Summary: [Collection of OneShots] Ready...Aim....FIRE! Yessiree, I do believe you hit the spot. Now which prize? Funny, Sad, Romantic...? The list goes on my friend.
1. Condominium Condoms

**Authors Note; **While talking about Sillybella's story "Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers" and _condoms_ I came up with this idea. **;End Authors Note**

"This looks like a good one. Look, Ed! It's got two bedrooms two baths, spacious kitchen…like you'll need that…It looks nice." Alice pointed at a magazine labeled "Home Sweet Home." She nodded and turned the page, "I think it'll be good for you and Bella."

"I hope so." Edward took the magazine and read the details on the condominium Alice was looking at. "Yeah actually…it does look pretty good, Ally."

"I can't believe you guys are going to move out and live in a condominium!" Alice sighed and lay on her back on the couch.

Emmett walked in and grinned widely at Edward.

"What?" Edward cocked his head to the side in confusion. "We're looking at condo-"

Emmett held out one finger symbolizing Edward to shush, "Oh I _know_ what you're looking at, Edward." Emmett winked, "I'm not _that_ stupid, bro."

_On the contrary, Emmett, I do believe you are…_Edward thought. "Okay. Whatever."

Emmett slapped Edward on the back, "Way to go my man! But why are you looking at mini ones? I didn't know you were…small…You think Bella will be pleased, man?"

"Emmett…I don't think you understand…" Edward raised an eyebrow at Emmett.

Alice giggled.

"Of course I do bro! You're getting some! At last man, now Jasper won't be complaining all the time! Way to GO! I didn't think Bella would allow it!" Emmett's grin widened and Edward took a step back.

Alice giggled again.

"Emmett we're not going to…" Edward started.

Emmett interrupted him, "Right, man, I got it. You'll go to her house. Yeah, I understand man! You two like _privacy_. It's all cool."

Edward slapped his forehead and Jasper stepped in. "What's going on?"

Alice burst out laughing and rolled off the couch and onto the floor. She continued laughing.

Edward glared at her, "Jasper is it really _that_ bad?"

Jasper stared blankly at Edward until realization finally hit him, "Emmett? Is he finally going to have sex?"

Emmett nodded, still grinning.

Jasper looked back at Edward and fell to the ground, kneeling. "IF THERE IS A GOD, THANK YOU! THANNNKKK YOOOUUU!!!"

Alice laughed so hard she hit the table. Emmett patted Edward's back, "Congratulations, man. I didn't think you'd ever go through with it at 105!"

"Guys…Listen!" Edward stared at them incredulously, "I'm not—"

"We already know, Edward, there's no need for secrets! Come on, just confess already! What kind of condom are you going to use? I betcha Bella would like those Chocolate flavored ones, only if she's…you know…oral."

"I am. NOT. Having. This. Conversation." Edward closed his eyes and clenched his fists.

Jasper stood up, "You know Edward, why don't you just go ahead and get it over with! I'll be much happier this way! No more feeling of your sexual…needs on a daily basis! Go on you old pervert! Go get some!"

"GUYS! SERIOUSLY! I'M NOT GOING TO—" Edward screamed so loudly that Esme and Carlisle walked in the room, "Is everything alright?" Esme asked.

Alice managed to stop laughing long enough to say, "Edward and Bella are going to finally _do it_."

Esme smiled and Carlisle looked uncomfortable, "Edward?" Carlisle asked nervously.

"Yeah?" Edward turned to look at Carlisle with a very "I am going to kill you" pissed off like look.

"It's uh…Time we had a little…_talk_."

"FOR THE LOVE OF! THAT'S IT! I'M LEAVING!!" Edward picked up his car keys and marched out the front door.

"TELL US HOW SHE IS IN BED WHEN YOU GET BACK!!" Emmett called as Edward slammed the car door of his Volvo.


	2. Condominium Condoms Part Two

**Authors Note; **33 reviews. One chapter. My email box died. X.x; after about five threats from reviews and a very abusive caps lock user,-coughWafflescough-, I have decided to make this a two-shot. I just wanted to do the whole "sex talk" thing. And then as you see, this one shot ends with this chapter. Why? Because I have another one shot to put up and this _is_ a one-shot collection. So. There. Also, for those of you who read WTI (Welcome to Insanity Room 191) the mini WTI will be out soon. It is being co written by Lady Lala and Cat Macabre who are _not_ on FF but if you want to contact them, I'll gladly give you that bit.

Now. Enough talk. UPDATESSS!! **;End Authors Note**

It was amazingly early and Bella was still allowed visitors at this _early_ hour. Would he leave _early_? No. Why are we using the word _early_, I don't know! Moving on…

Edward drove up to Bella's house and parked on the curbside. He gracefully walked out and knocked on the door which was answered by none other than Bella Swan. Bella furrowed her eyebrows at him and stepped aside.

"Isn't it called the window?" Bella said, walking up the stairs to her room.

"It's only 5." Edward said, following her.

"So…why are you here so early? Going to watch me do my homework?"

"….Actually I wanted to talk to you about _condo—_" Edward never finished his sentence because Bella stopped and said, "Uh-huh, Alice called."

Edward froze on the stairs, "She…_what_?"

"Called. We'll discuss it upstairs." Bella continued upstairs and opened the door.

Edward slid in and sat in his usual spot, the old rocking chair. Bella sat on her bed and sighed.

"Edward…I love you but…I'm just not ready. I'd like it for us to get married before we do…anything like that… So… Yeah."

"But…I wasn't…talking about condoms!" Edward protested. Great, he thought, Bella misheard too? Gr. Alice must die.

"I'm sorry, Edward, I know you looked forward to it. Maybe you should… leave."

Edward's left eye twitched. This can't be happening, he thought, this is impossible. IS EVERYONE AGAINST ME?? He sighed deeply, realizing that he had lost this battle. Now where could he go? The meadow would be too lonely without Bella… Stupid. Only. Other. Option… He started the engine of the Volvo and sped back home.

"Damnit." He said, walking in the door of the Cullen mansion again. His keys hit the coffee table with a soft 'thunk' and he sat down on the couch and pouted.

Jasper began to twitch, "MAKE IT GO AWAAAAY!!!" he screamed, grabbing Alice and pulling her upstairs to their bedroom.

Emmett snickered, "Sorry bro, maybe another night."

"WE WEREN'T EVER GOING TO!!!" Edward thwacked Emmett over the head and went vampirey-super-speed to his room where he happily slammed the door.

There was a knock and before Edward could even blink the door opened. Standing in the doorway was Carlisle seeming very, extremely, unnaturally, nervous. He was shoved inside by what could only be Esme's hands and the door of the room quickly closed. There was 'click' and Edward knew, as well as Carlisle, that Esme had locked them inside.

"Edward…I know you're a very intelligent young man and are a very good son, but…It's time we went over some rules…" Carlisle began.

Edward opened his mouth to speak but Carlisle held up one finger.

"Now, now, no need to say anything. I know what you're going through. Times are changing and your body needs a little…_something something_ here and there." Carlisle sighed, "Women look more attractive than they did before. I know. I went through it too."

Edward twitched, he was 105. He had gone through all of this before; he had had this talk decades and decades ago! Why did they think he played the piano? He had to learn it when he had received that little talk so the people in the next room would know where his hands were at all times! …He liked the piano…but…it was only from habit…

"But, Edward, you should learn to wait until you're married. You'll be much happier then. You and Bella will both agree that after marriage is the best. You're both only teenagers after all!"

Edward sat up and tried opening the door, and then he kicked it. Nothing. Stupid door. He twitched again as Carlisle kept going on and on about the difficulties of having sex at an early age and so on and so forth…

"I GIVE UP! STOP IT! JUST STOP!! I GIVE UP! OKAY? I GIVE UPPPP!!!" He screamed.

Carlisle nodded, "Good."

Edward sat there fuming as Carlisle managed to unhinge the door and walk out.

Stupid…family.


	3. Dying Wishes

**Authors Note: This is reallyyyy old and it is from a-now-deleted story entitled Dying Wishes :/End Authors Note**

It was a very gloomy place, here, and it reeked of illness. There was a shortage of doctors, for many worried about catching the Spanish Influenza from the others here. The Hospital of which I now lived, seemed to slowly await my death, as did I, but Edward kept me from giving in to the Grim.

"Edward…" I whispered, reaching for my son. He was soaked in sweat, his bronze colored hair spread out in all different directions. The fever was draining him of his youth and beauty quicker than I would have expected. The disease had already taken his father, and it would soon take me, but I would never, ever, let it take my son.

He was only 17 and already he was brilliant. He played the songs of angels when he let his fingers flow over the piano in our home. He would surely amount to something, he would surely become something great. The only thing keeping me alive was the will to save my son.

There was one doctor, Doctor Carlisle Cullen, who I knew could somehow save my darling Edward. I had been watching the young and handsome doctor come and go for weeks now. I watched as his eyes shifted from a wonderful liquid gold to a dark coal black. I watched the weather and noticed he only came in during the nights or the rainy days. I watched, and I studied, carefully piecing everything together.

I had heard the myths, many, many, myths, and I knew the basic tales of the immortal ones. I heard superstitious blacks and Indians whisper about 'The Cold Ones' and 'The Wolfs' I knew the stories, oh yes, and Carlisle fit in quite well as the legendary 'Stregoni Benefici'.

"Look at her, she lives only for her son. You hardly see many like her these days." Carlisle Cullen sighed, speaking quietly to another doctor, thinking I could not possibly hear him. I was dying, but I was not deaf like many thought.

"Look at the rest of the people in this Hospital, Cullen, she's no one special. She'll die and so will many others. You mustn't let your emotions effect you." The other doctor said, heading off in another area of the hospital.

"Elizabeth Masen…." Carlisle walked over to me, checking my pulse and my eyes. "You live only for your son…You are a very brave and strong woman, Elizabeth."

I glanced at Edward and eyed the doctor's skin, cool to the touch, utterly pale….Yes; he must be one of them. Although I knew my son may never forgive me, it was the only thing that could possibly ever save him from the disease.

"Carlisle Cullen," I said weakly, my time was coming all too soon, I realized with a jolt, "You must save him."

"I'll do everything in my power." He said, smiling faintly. I understood he believed I thought he was human.

I shook my head, "Everything. You must do _everything_ in _your power._" I stared at him, glancing at his mouth. I was sure he saw that small gesture.

He stared at me, his eyes calculating what I said. He nodded, fully understanding now. "I will save him." He said.

I smiled, "Thank you." My lips formed the words but nothing but a small breathe came out. I relaxed, letting the fever finally consume me, pulling me down into the darkness until I was to the point of no returning.

_Edward._


End file.
